A Subconscious

'Whatever it is it feels like it’s laughing at me through the glass of a two sided mirror.

Whatever it is, it’s just laughing at me,

And I just want to scream,

What now?'

-Rihanna(What Now)

Have you ever felt the presence of that dark figure sitting in the back of your head, laughing at all of your shortcomings?

           Telling you why people are staring at you, when no one has even glanced your way.

           Or reminding you of a trivial mistake you've made, making it seem as though it’s larger than life itself?

           Do you remember the feeling of panic setting in?

           Or the imminent need to run away from wherever you were standing as fast as you possibly could?

           And then, finally, when you get the time to be left to your own devices, that small voice in the back of your head, comes to life saying a short 'What now?'

She walks into the Hall of faces, feeling herself shy away from the oncoming stares that were headed her way.

          'A costume party,' they’d told her, ‘wear something nice.’

          It would have been a completely normal thing to say, if, you know, everyone around her wasn’t dressed in casuals and her count Dracula cape, and fake fangs didn’t stick out like a sour thumb.

         'I guess they’ll have the last laugh' she thought to herself as the people who had invited her stood off to the corner, pointing and laughing in her direction.

People tell you to ignore that voice sitting there in the back of your mind pointing out every whim and whistle of what’s wrong with you.

           They say that the more you ignore it the more your confidence will grow.

           They are wrong.

           Confidence doesn’t come from being ignorant.

           Confidence comes from acknowledging what’s right in front of you and putting it to good use.

It didn’t take long for her to lock herself inside of one of the bathrooms, wiping off the Vampire make up from her face with a sigh.

          The dark figure sat there staring back at her with a small laugh.

         'Yeah, you definitely fit into the cool crowd,' it mocked as she shook her head attempting to feign ignorance.

          She put both her hands on either side of the sink and took a long look at her reflection, breathing out slowly as that dark figure raised an eyebrow.

        “You're right,” she spoke directly addressing that tick in the back of her head, “I’m not part of the cool crowd.  I'm better.”

That voice is what causes the lump in your throat when you look in the mirror, hearing those laughs of mockery reminding you of words that were once said by others.

           Fight back.

          Your confidence is your own to control.

          Your insecurities are your own to control.

She walked out of the bathroom as confident as ever, letting her cape flow out behind her.

           A couple of looks were thrown her way, curious at first, and then just small smiles of acknowledgment with a side note of ‘we've been there before.’

          Someone called her name and she turned around awarded by a brilliant grin and a rather good looking guy beckoning towards her.

        “Hey, you’re the new girl right?  Do you mind if I hang around a bit.  You don’t actually bite, do you?”

        She laughed lightly, quickly being joined by his soft chuckle.

      “Yeah you're right, that was pretty lame,” he said nervously, running a hand through his hair, “Do you, maybe, want to dance?”

        She cast a smug look over to the group of people that had invited her here.  Well, they clearly weren’t laughing any more.

       She nodded with a quick, “Yeah, sure. I'd like that.”

       Your shortcomings are your greatest advantage.

       Take them into your stride and learn from them.

       You are beautiful.

       Your thoughts, your words, your expressions are all special because they are your own.

       That figure that sits there in the corner, messing with your mind is nothing but a reflection of other people’s words that have sustained the test of time and have led to a feeling of doubt in yourself.

       They aren’t your own.

       In fact, they were never your own.

       Remember that.